Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
There’s only one good girl here!
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.