I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me, in DM rooms…
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.