Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
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me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Ape together strong
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
monday
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.