My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
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[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Name another movie that mislead you?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
yeet
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.