HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
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My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.