I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.