Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
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[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
“Why you watching this shit?”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁