I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*