I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
me working on my assignments ^-^
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine