I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.