Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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got so much cardio in today
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”