Google assistant rules
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*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room