Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.