Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job