Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right