Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.