[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.