I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
You Might Also Like
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
THIS HEADLINE
Miscakes
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Who needs an Air Fryer?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”