Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
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I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Guy who likes music
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Am I having a stroke?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.