Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!