wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
u spoke cat all this time??????
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
An odd boast
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.