store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
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I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
This is my emotional support knife.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”