Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
new record!
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!