When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
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Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
The “baby” on the left….
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.