The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes