DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
You Might Also Like
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you