*pronounces woah like Noah*
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Mhm.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.