Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you