[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there![]()
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.