Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.