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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.