Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza