Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Jogging
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.