[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag