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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The Onion called it…again.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.