Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
That’s easy for you to say
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
wtf management?!
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.