I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share