Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
You Might Also Like
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”