[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
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me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)