Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
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My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend: