paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.