Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof