If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
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[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.