A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready