[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
New menu item
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
plant them where lol
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me