When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
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those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
🤣😂