trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.