Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
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I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My love language is hissing.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
This is not me but this is me
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.