Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
i want to work in this restaurant
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
just left a huge legacy in there
broke down and did it
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound