Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
You Might Also Like
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.